Before You Say "I Do": 7 Conversations Every Couple Must Have - The dress matters. The décor matters. But these seven conversations? They'll matter long after the cake is gone.

There's a beautiful kind of busyness that takes over once a wedding is announced. The venue. The aso-ebi. The guest list that somehow keeps growing. The vendor meetings. The fittings. The Pinterest boards opened at 1 a.m. It is glorious. And exhausting. And so absorbing that something quietly important often gets pushed to the side: the conversations that actually decide whether your marriage thrives. I say this not as someone who got it all right — I didn't. I say it as a woman thirteen years in, three daughters deep, and now learning more about marriage every year. Some of these conversations my husband and I had before the wedding. Others we stumbled into much later, sometimes the hard way. If you're engaged, planning, or even just dating with intention, save this list. Print it. Bring it to dinner. The earlier you have these talks, the gentler the rest of your marriage tends to be. 

1. Money — the real conversation, not the polite one. Not just "how much do you earn?" but: What did money look like in your home growing up? Are you a saver or a spender? Why? Will we have joint accounts, separate accounts, or both? Who pays for what? How much debt are you bringing into this marriage? (Yes, ask. Kindly. Clearly.) What are our 1-year, 5-year, and 10-year financial goals? Money fights are rarely about money. They're about fear, control, values, and old wounds. Better to unearth those now than at year three over a generator repair bill. 

2. Faith — beyond which church you'll attend. If you share a faith, wonderful. But that's the starting line, not the finish. How will we pray together? Will we tithe? How much? To where? Whose church will we attend if our families differ? How will we raise the children spiritually? What does sacramental/covenant marriage mean to you? Faith lived together is a quiet glue. Faith assumed but never discussed becomes a slow drift. "Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken." — Ecclesiastes 4:12. That third strand needs tending. Talk about how you'll tend it. 

3. Children — number, timing, and parenting style. Most couples ask, "Do you want kids?" Far fewer ask: How many, ideally? How soon after the wedding? What if we struggle to conceive — IVF? Adoption? Acceptance? How were you disciplined growing up? Will we do the same? Public school, private school, homeschool? Whose career slows down when babies come? I have three daughters. I can tell you with my whole chest: you will not parent the way you imagined. But knowing your partner's instincts before a screaming toddler is in the room saves a lot of marriages. 

4. In-laws and family boundaries — This one is especially tender in our Nigerian context, where family is rightly sacred — and sometimes overwhelming. How involved will our parents be in our marriage? Will anyone live with us? For how long? Under what circumstances? How do we handle financial requests from extended family? Who handles which side's drama? What happens if a parent disrespects your spouse? A united front, agreed on early, protects your home from a hundred storms. 

5. Roles, work, and the invisible labour —Will both of us work? Forever, or for a season? Who cooks? Who cleans? Who plans? Who remembers birthdays and school forms? If one of us earns significantly more, does that change how decisions are made? What does "submission" mean to you? What does "leadership" mean to you? (Ask each other. The answers will surprise you.) A marriage isn't 50/50. It's 100/100. But you still need to agree on which 100 each of you is carrying. 

6. Sex and intimacy — Yes, even if you're saving sex for marriage. Especially then. What are your expectations around frequency? What are your fears or insecurities going in? How will we talk about it when something isn't working? What does affection look like outside the bedroom? How will we protect intimacy through pregnancies, postpartum, and exhaustion? Silence around sex is one of the loudest killers of long marriages. Start the conversation early so it never feels foreign later. 

7. How we'll fight — and how we'll repair. No one warns you that every marriage fights. The healthy ones just fight well. What did conflict look like in your home growing up? Do you shut down, or do you escalate? Are we allowed to walk away to cool down? For how long? Will we ever go to bed angry? When we hurt each other, how do we come back? A couple that knows how to repair can survive almost anything. A couple that doesn't, slowly bleeds.

One last thing

If reading this list made you anxious — good. It means you're taking marriage seriously. None of these conversations need to happen in one weekend. Spread them over months. Have them on long drives, over jollof rice, on quiet Sunday afternoons. Bring them up gently. Listen more than you speak.

And if you're already married and realising you skipped a few? It's not too late. My husband and I are still having some of these conversations thirteen years in. The talking never really stops — that's the secret no one tells you.

The wedding is one day. The marriage is the rest of your life.

Prepare for both. 🤍

With love, Skene